Movies Schmovies

Here's a classic Movies Schmovies column for you all to enjoy!
This means war...
Originally published in the Augustana Observer March 24, 2005

We enjoyed "Freddy vs. Jason" so much that we thought we would like to see some more "versus" movies (except, of course, "Vampires vs. Zombies").

Michael Myers (Halloween) vs. Chucky (Child's Play)
Well, this one's pretty easy. Chucky did have quite an impressive kill total in the "Child's Play" series, but we do have to readjust this total to reflect the fact that everyone in the "Child's Play" series is mentally handicapped. They have to be, they're getting their asses kicked by a doll, for God's sake. Maybe we should give him more fair competition:
Chucky (Child's Play) vs. Yoda (Star Wars)
Until George Lucas cashed in his freak show ticket to get people to see "Attack of the Clones," we really didn't know whethr Yoda would be a good fighter or not. That scene moved so fast that it's still hard to tell whethr he can fight, or just jump around really fast. However, Yoda's had dozens of action figures, but Chucky's just a doll.
Advantage: Yoda.
Blue kids (The Grudge) vs. Samara (The Ring)
Here's a tough one. We're not really sure that the blue kids from "The Grudge" can actually do anything. They just sneak up behind you and make a really annoying sound. They'd probably be a better match for that crazy frog ringtone or Gargamel from the Smurfs. For that matter, we're not really sure what Samara does either, aside from coming out of your TV. The advantage goes to the blue kids if they're fighting in a room with a ceiling-mounted TV, because then Samara would climb out of it and fall flat on her face, and that would just be funny. If the battleground had satellite TV, Samara might appear pixely or fade in and out during a storm. This one's really a toss-up.

Bread vs. Air Supply
How'd this one get in here? Both suck. Loser: Us.

Satan (South Park) vs. Beelzebot (Futurama)
Both can sing, although Beelzebot has a much better theme song ("Please stop sinning while I'm singing"). Besides, has South Park's Satan ever played in a fiddle contest? Didn't think so. Advantage: Beelzebot.

R.L. Stine vs. Books
We thought this fight appropriate since Stine seems to have a grudge against the written word. For a while he was winning, after all he did have like infinity books.

Hannibal Lecter vs. Emeril Lagasse
Obviously, this would be a cook-off. Hannibal is easily the coolest character in film history, so this one's no contest. Advantage: Hannibal. His secret ingredient? One hint: Bam!

Vanilla Ice vs. Ice-T
Rap battle? Fight? Sewing contest? They all go to Ice-T. Deadly like a poisonous mushroom? Sure, Vanilla, whatever you say. Advantage: Ice-T.

Calvin vs. Hobbes
Like a Don King fight, the outcome of this battle was predetermined. John Calvin would dominate Thomas Hobbes.

Genesis vs. Revelation
This is, of course, Phil Collins' band versus the Book of Revelation. We like Genesis because Revelation is pretty weird sometimes. Then again, Genesis can't dance. Advantage: Revelation.

Come back next week for the ultimate face-off, "Bunny the Vampire Slayer." The Easter Bunny vs. hordes of ravenous undead. We're (egg) dye-ing to review it!